Deep water squid have joined a long list of species known to engage in bisexual behavior. It turns out that male squid are quite happy to ejaculate on other squid, regardless of whether they are male or female. Of course, scientists don’t really know whether the squid experience anything analogous to sexual desire or pleasure, or whether they can even distinguish between male and female partners in the dark of the ocean depths.

Other species known to engage in bisexual behavior include mammals with relatively large brains, such as bonobo apes and bottlenose dolphins, but also herd mammals and birds.  And of course anyone who has a pet dog or cat has observed bicurious behavior in the natural world. Scientific manipulation of hormone levels in rats can also induce more homosexual behavior, though it’s not clear what this tells us, if anything, about behavior in humans.

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Thanks to a reader of the blog for tipping me off to this post by a man who has fallen in love with another man late in his marriage.

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Rimbaud was notorious as a youth for his homosexual relationship with the older poet Paul Verlaine, who left his wife to be with him. Rimbaud spoke graphically about engaging in sodomy with Verlaine, and complained that Verlaine sometimes expected him to top, when he would prefer to bottom. But about a decade later, after giving up life as a poet and becoming a trader in Africa, Rimbaud settled down with a local woman.

Disappointingly, the reviewer of these books in the New Yorker needlessly characterized Rimbaud as really heterosexual, suggesting that his earlier homosexual relationship was just a bit of performance art. The reviewer in the New York Review of Books more properly avoided imposing modern assumptions onto the sexuality of either poet, both of whom were clearly capable of having meaningful relationships with either sex.

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“I am always looking for opportunities to have sex” – 35% Mac vs 30% Windows

“I’m similarly attracted to both men and women” – 25% Mac vs 23% Windows

“I would like to fall in love with both men and women” – 30% Mac vs 28% Windows

“I like to be watched by someone other than my partner when I undress, masturbate or have sex” – 23% Mac vs 20% Windows

“I have had sex with a stranger or in public” - (disagree or strongly disagree) 54% Mac vs 58 % Windows

These are probaby statistically significant differences, but there may be confounding factors that explain them. For example, Mac users might be younger as a group than Windows users, and younger people may be more flexible in general. Or perhaps there is something inherently more flexible about the iLifestyle?

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The following comment points out that sexuality has many dimensions that we might not think about, such as whether one “wants” an experience or would just be “willing to try.” I think this also nicely illustrates a sort of undefensive heteroflexible attitude.

Comment: I believe my concern came up with the questions of threesomes, or sex with the same gender… if I am having sex with my girlfriend and a male friend naked as the day he was born comes in wanting to join in…ok, and if he wants to penetrate me or have me penetrate him…ok I suppose I can try that.  However, your question I thinks asked if I would seek that out or have I ever thought about things like that with the same sex…and the answer is no I have not, but if a situation like that arises, I suppose I will cross that bridge, but I do not think of it or seek it out.  Maybe it is just a matter of wording and I am a big fat dummy, I have been wrong before.

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About 5,500 people have taken the automated test.

57% identified as female, 41% as male, and 2% as other.

50% identified as heterosexual at the start of the test, 26% as bisexual, and 16% as homosexual.

(In analyzing the following results, I counted a sexual type as present if the score was greater than 5 out of 10. Results add up to more than 100% because more than one sexual type may be present in any given individual, reflecting the intentional overlap between categories.)

Among women, 47% were ambisexual, 43% were heteroflexible, 26% were flexamorous, 22% were straight, 7% were lesbian, and 4% were queer. As far as sexual traits, 11% had restrained features, 8% were transitioning, 4% were metamorphic, and 3% were supersexual. None were macho, and less than 1% were versatile.

Among men, 31% were straight, 30% were ambisexual, 17% were gay, 12% were flexamorous, 9% were heteroflexible, and 5% were queer. For sexual traits, 17% were restrained, 7% were supersexual, 7% were transitioning, 4% were metamorphic, 2% were versatile, and 1% were macho.

Among those who identified as something other than male or female (e.g., trans, genderqueer, etc.), 58% were ambisexual, 57% were flexamorous, 14% were queer, 12% were gay, and 3% were straight, with reference to their gender of birth. Only 53% scored as having metamorphic traits, which suggests that my scoring of that trait may not give enough weight to each of the different ways in which an individual may feel other-gendered.

Those who have taken the test do not constitute a random or controlled sample, and men and women may have learned about the test from different sources. Nevertheless, it is interesting that women were much more likely to score in the bisexual spectrum (especially heteroflexible, ambisexual, or flexamorous), even though their self-identification at the start of the test was similar to men’s. Relative to the other bisexual types, the flexamorous profile did not stand out as a particularly female presentation, challenging the sterotype that women are more interested in relationships. However, there were more supersexual, macho, and versatile men compared to women.

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Last week TONY published my letter alerting the readers of the “Get Naked” column to the Flexuality Test. Nearly 2,000 more have taken the test as a result.

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Gender: 58% were female, 40% were male, and 2% selected another term, including my new favorite: “genderqueer.”

Age: 26% were 19 or younger, 59% were in their 20s, 8% were in their 30s, and 7% were 40 or older.

Sexual Orientation: 51% identified themselves as heterosexual, 15% as homosexual, 26% as bisexual, and 8%  as “other” (including many “bi-curious,” quite a few “asexual,” and 1 ”queer for a beer”).

Relationship Status: 53% were single, 30% were dating (or “engaged”), and 13% were married. Many said they were in an “open” or “polyamorous” relationship, and quite a few responded, “It’s complicated!”

Education: 14% were in – or had completed - high school, while 84% were in - or had attended some - college, university, or graduate school.

Ethnicity: 68% identified as white, 12% as asian, 3% as black, 4% as latino, 7% as multiracial, 3% as south asian, and 3% as other (including 1 “elf”).

Country: 64% took the test while in the USA; 19% were in Canada, the UK, Australia, or New Zealand; and a surprisingly high 5% were in Singapore or the Philippines (thanks, guys, for sharing the test with your friends!) There were also submissions from Russia, all over Europe, Latin America, India, South East Asia, the Caribbean, and several Middle Eastern countries.

Religion: 48% said they had no religion or identified as “atheist” or “agnostic.” 14% were christian protestant, 12% were catholic, 12% were “spiritual,” 4% were jewish, 1% were hindu, 1% were muslim, and quite a few identified as “pagan” or “wiccan.”

Click on the page tabs above to see charts of the sexual profile results for these same respondents.

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Alexander McCabe at Question Writer did a fabulous job redesigning the test for me. In addition to being automatically generated, the report page displays your sexuality profile in two graphic charts, providing you a visual snapshot of your sexual traits. If nothing else, this makes the test a lot more fun!

Though the questions on the test are essentially unchanged, I have revised the scoring algorithms so that you can see your traits on a spectrum. My previous scoring tended to oversimplify sexual potential, boxing you into one category or another, when in reality the categories can overlap considerably.

I think you will find that the new scoring results in a more subtle and accurate picture. I encourage you to take the new version of the test, if only to see if your profile has changed. Let me know what you think!

At the time of this posting, 8,400 people have taken the Flex Test!

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A: I have received several questions like this, and also several comments expressing dissapointment that “asexual” is not a category recognized on the Flexuality Test. The point is well taken, because asexuality has become a self-defining sexual identity for many people, and not just one end of a dimensional measurement of sexual desire or behavior.

As with other types of sexual orientation, any discussion about asexuality is complicated by a multitude of definitions (does it refer to attraction, desire, behavior, or identity?), and even more so by a lack of research, though a couple of interesting exploratory studies have been published in recent years.

Perhaps the most common and useful definition is the one implied by the question above: you are asexual if you lack sexual feelings. You may find other people attractive in an aesthetic way, but not in a way that triggers sexual arousal or desire. Like many asexuals, you may have engaged in sex, if only out of curiosity or to please a partner, but you wonder, “What’s the big deal?” You are probably able to masturbate, but you may experience orgasm as a relaxing, physical release unaccompanied by sexual fantasy and craving. You may be concerned about your lack of sexual interest, since everyone else is so impressed (if not preoccupied) by sex, but you do not feel you have lost some necessary feeling.

Some people find themselves romantically attracted to others (either men or women or both), but the romantic feelings are not accompanied by a desire to have sex. Some people choose not to have sex, even though they experience some sexual desire, and this might be better characterized as celibacy. But those who choose to be celibate may do so, in part, because they experience less sexual desire or arousal to begin with.

For more information about asexuality, and to make contact with an internet community of asexuals, check out the excellent web site of the Asexual Visibility and Education Network.

As a psychiatrist, I should point out that some people lose interest in sex for medical or psychological reasons, such as depression or hypothyroidism. Some people have learned to fear and avoid sex, sometimes because of painful, coercive, or otherwise distressing experiences, but this seems to be distinct from the more neutral disinterest experienced by those who consider themselves asexual. If you are troubled by your lack of interest in sex, if you dread sex, or if you have experienced a change in your level of sexual desire and functioning, then you should probably consult with your doctor or a therapist.

As some readers have pointed out, asexuality is not explored on the Flexuality Test. Some questions assume that the test taker has some sexual desire (aimed at people of the same or opposite sex, or both). My intention was not to deny asexuality as a type of sexual orientation in an overall scheme. Rather, my project has been to explore only those dimensions that contribute to a spectrum of bisexual feelings and behaviors. I similarly excluded from consideration many other areas of interest, such as age preferences, sexual addiction, and fetishes. Of the categories discussed on this blog, the flexamorous sexual type is probably most likely to overlap with asexuality, in that the gender of the partner may be unimportant for some asexuals who have romantic feelings but little desire.

While working as an attorney in South Africa, Gandhi apparently left his wife and moved in with a male friend, a German bodybuilder and architect, with whom he also exchanged homoerotic letters.

………………………

Several of you have suggested that I consider a name change for the polyamorous sexual type. The term is already claimed by men and women advocating for the right to have, and the benefits of having, concurrent loving relationships with more than one partner.

One reader of this blog pointed out that my usage of the term encroaches on a marginalized group’s efforts to clarify and establish a minority position. It may also confuse people who take my test or who share their sexual profile results with others, unaware of the differences in usage. I agree that this is counterproductive.

“Polyamorous” has a romantic sound that nicely fit the description of my sexual type. The next best term I have come up with is “ambiphilic,” a term that is already in use in chemistry, but that pre-existing meaning (molecules that are attracted to both water and oil) is unlikely to confuse and may even be seen as symbolic. Unfortunately the word also sounds a bit like “amphibian.”

I’m open to other suggestions. Please comment if you can think of a better term that captures those who have the capacity to fall in love with others, regardless of the other’s gender. Then I’ll revise the term throughout the blog and on the test.

Homosexual acts are still illegal in Sri Lanka (if widely practiced by men who think of themselves as straight) and homosexual status is persecuted, but we should keep in mind that Sri Lanka was one of the first countries to grant suffrage to women, and it was the first country to elect a female head of state. Also, nearby India recently decriminalized homosexuality. So change may be under way.

If you are interested in bisexuality (and the history of women’s suffrage) in Sri Lanka, read the excellent historical novel, Cinnamon Gardens, by Shyam Selvadurai. He is also the author of another beautiful novel, Funny Boy, about growing up gay and gender atypical in Sri Lanka.

A: There are several reasons why a partner might be reluctant to administer cunnilingus. He might have a gut feeling of disgust for nether parts in general or for the female genitals in particular. He might have unquestioned beliefs that anything other than procreative sex is immoral. Or he might view going down on a woman as an unmasculine act. I imagine you have tried to engage him on this topic and might have some idea about his reasons.

To address the feeling of disgust, you might consider making your move when you are in a shower together or after you have just stepped out of the shower. Many partners might also find shaved genitals to be cleaner and less frightening than naturally hairy ones. Exposure and knowledge also tend to undermine feelings of disgust, so teach him about your clitoris, vulva, and vagina. Take his fingers on a tour, show him how his touch is arousing, and at some point suggest how excited you would be if he put his tongue where his fingers were. Most partners want to be fair, even if they have strict ideas about what men and women are supposed to do, so you might have more luck if you offer him oral sex from a “69″ position. He can hardly ignore the proximity of your genitals when you are servicing his in a reciprocal position. If he licks your thighs or nuzzles you with his nose, that’s a start.

The key is to overcome his reluctance gradually, rather than frighten him off. Make it easy for him, and let him try a little bit at a time. Reinforce his efforts and his confidence by expressing arousal during the act, by turning him on at the same time, and by telling him how much you enjoyed it afterwards. If you watch porn together, you can also express your interest by pointing out how the scenes of cunnilingus look like fun and something you would like to try together.

Many men love cunnilingus, but that simple fact probably won’t convince him. He’ll have to find out for himself. Be careful about stressing how much you have enjoyed cunnilingus in the past (if you have), because that might make him feel jealous and make the whole topic more difficult to approach in the future.

[You can e-mail your questions about sex, sexuality, and sexual relationships to me at flexuality@hotmail.com, or post a question anonymously as a comment. The answers I post are for informational purposes only and do not constitute individual treatment.]

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Download this fascinating report which cogently discusses myths and mistreatment of the “invisible majority.” The report includes a useful glossary and discussion of terminology, as well as illuminating first-person accounts that illustrate the diverse ways in which “non-monosexuals” think about their sexual orientation (the final example on p. 33 is particularly good). The latter half of the report focuses on health and policy matters.

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For this, my 100th post, I looked back at the data I collected last year from the 4,633 men and women who took the original Flexuality Test. Half of them identified themselves as “heterosexual” at the start of the test. But it should come as no surprise to readers of this blog that people who consider themselves straight have often had same-sex desires and experiences.

Here are the percent of “heterosexuals” who reported having had the following feelings or experiences for someone of the same sex:

52% had been physically attracted to…

52% had been sexually aroused by seeing or thinking about…

48% had flirted with…

37% had had a crush on…

37% had fantasized to the point of orgasm about…

28% had made out with…

23% had given or received a sensual massage from…

22% had engaged in deep kissing with…

17% had been aroused by being naked with…

16% had masturbated with…

13% had received oral sex from…

11% had provided oral sex to…

11% had been in a threesome with…

7% had fallen in love with…

3% had engaged in vaginal sex with…

3% had penetrated anally…

3% had been penetrated anally by…

……. someone of the same sex.

Rates of sexual desire were even higher. Here are the percent of “heterosexuals” who would like to have sexual experiences with someone of the same sex:

41% would like to have a threesome with…

40% would like to receive oral sex from…

30% would like to masturbate with…

29% would like to provide oral sex to…

16% would like to engage in vaginal sex with…

14% would like to be anally penetrated by…

13% would like to anally penetrate…

……. someone of the same sex.

And here are the percent of “heterosexuals” who expressed agreement with the following statements:

58% have sometimes wondered what it would feel like to be pleasured by someone of the same sex

52% feel it would be okay for them to seek sexual release with someone of the same sex

38% would be willing to try gay sex

31% would have sex with someone of the same gender if someone of the opposite gender were not available

24% would like to be able to say they have had sex with both men and women

21% sometimes wonder if they are gay

16% could fall in love with someone of the same gender

11% could live their life with either a male or female partner

10% believe sex with a man is similar to sex with a woman

8% are similarly attracted to men and women

Keep in mind that the takers of the test are by no means a random sample of the population. Many who took the original test learned about it from internet forums about bisexuality. Nevertheless, this is only the data from those who consider themselves heterosexual.

If you consider yourself straight but worry about your same-sex curiosity, this data should be reassuring. If you are gay, bisexual, or curious, this data suggests that threesomes, oral sex, and mutual masturbation are the best ways to score with a straight, supersexual, or heteroflexible acquaintance.

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One night at the pizza parlour, I got a cramp in my leg and was squirming in the bench. I was probably dehydrated from practice. Maria looked at me with concern and then said, “Give it here.” She grabbed my ankle under the table, pulled off my sneaker, pushed my toes back with one hand in her lap, and squeezed the back of my thigh through my jeans with her other hand. She did it so casually, no one who was looking would have even noticed. I found myself staring at her with amazement as her fingers pushed apart the knot in my muscles, but she was looking down, either in embarrassment or concentration.

“I owe you a massage,” I said as she finished and lowered my leg.

She took me up on the offer that weekend, when we were hanging out in my room, though she brought it up hesitantly.

“I remember,” I said, putting away my homework. “Take off those pants and lie down on the bed.”

She turned her back to me and stepped out of her jeans, pulled her shirt over her head, and took off her bra. “Okay?” she asked, sitting down on the mattress and looking at the floor.

I put my hand on her shoulder and nudged her to lie down. Then I reached down to take off my shoes and added, “I’m going to make myself comfortable too.” Down to my underwear, I sat across her legs, put my hands on her back, and waited, feeling her chest rise and lower with her breathing.

She turned her head and smiled. “You got any massage oil?”

A: The medical part of your question is the easiest to answer: anyone who has unprotected sex should get tested for sexually transmitted infections. A good time to do so is at the start of a committed relationship, but also periodically thereafter if the relationship is not strictly monogamous, in which case it would also be prudent to use protection, for yourselves and your partners. Obviously there is no need to test for blood type compatibility, since two men can’t impregnate each other.

The part of this question I have difficulty addressing involves the ethics and practicality of committing when you are both already married (I am assuming that your wives do not know about this affair, since you are not “out”). I am suspicious of moral pronouncements that don’t consider individual circumstances; but it seems paradoxical to cheat on one partner in order to commit to another. Generally, spouses should have the opportunity to decide whether they want to stay in a relationship in which they have to share. But presumably you have considered this, and the risks and alternatives, and I think it is a very personal matter between you and your wives.

In her review of Araki’s new ambisexual apocalypse film, Kaboom, Moore refers to my Flexuality Test, which she characterizes cutely as “a simple, fun-for-the-whole-family game that tells you how gay or straight you are.”

For another great novel featuring bisexual characters in Egypt, pick up Norman Mailer’s colorful epic, Ancient Evenings, set mostly in the 13th Century B.C. The narrator (Menenhetet) has sex with both men and women, as does his pharaoh, Ramses the Great. Menenhetet is portrayed as macho, while Ramses seems to be supersexual. The novel is fascinating for the way in which Mailer immerses the reader in an alien culture, in which sexuality, bodily functions, and religion are completely unmoored from contemporary associations and assumptions.

And back to Arabic, consider reading the erotic wine songs of Abu Nuwas, a revered 8th Century poet who wrote in Baghdad during the early Abbasid period. The classic poet is famous for his sexual relations with men (when he was a boy) and boys (when he was a man), but he also married a woman and loved a slave girl during his youth. He wrote passionate songs about both young men and women.

Check out this interview of me by Robyn Gee on the cultural news blog, Turnstyle News, which has been released just in time for the launch of the new Flexuality Test.

The new test is considerably shorter; it has just one part and takes only about 5 mins. to complete. I was able to shorten the test by dispensing with the “flexuality score,” a global measure of sexual flexibility based on a broad survey of all relevant attitudes, constraints, experiences, and desires. Each of those factors is explored in the new version of the test, but not so exhaustively. I kept those questions which were most useful in distinguishing the test-taker’s sexual type.

Those of you who took the original test may wonder if it is worth your while to take the new version. Please feel free. You will recognize many of the same questions, and the new questions cover similar ground. But I have tried to further tease out the ways in which sexual feelings may be experienced differently towards men and women, and this is reflected in the focus of some questions and the weighting of items in the final scoring.

I have revised the scoring of the sexual profile. I hope that the more nuanced questions about sexual desire will better distinguish between overlapping categories like “ambisexual,” “polyamorous” (now called “flexamorous”, revised 4-7-11) and “queer.” The revised scoring allows for features of more than one sexual type to be present. For example, you could score as “queer with polyamorous traits,” if you are predominantly attracted to the same sex but also very open to forming a romantic partnership with someone of the opposite sex.

Before I lay the “flexuality score” to rest, here’s one final graph which illustrates that those who consider themselves bisexual have, on average, greater flexibility than those who self-identify as gay or straight. Not a surprise.

Free describes himself as sexually interested in both boys and girls since he was 14 years old. He’s had relationships with both men and women and is currently in a relationship with another man. He politely resists suggestions that he is “really gay.”

In terms of the sexual types defined in this blog, Free might be ambisexual or flexamorous, two categories which obviously overlap. But why parse, since he is proud and comfortable with the term “bisexual.”

You can also read more about Free on his professional web site, but be sure to read his essay.

A: Medical professionals urge condom use during oral sex, because potentially infectious fluids are exchanged. Even though the risk of transmitting HIV is low, you can catch gonorhea, syphilis, chlamydia, and herpes. If you have a cut in your mouth, or a sore, then you could also conceivably get HIV. In some anonymous sexual settings (such as a bathhouse or video store), your partner could pass on hepatitis, an intestinal bug, or even the common cold, if he hasn’t washed between sexual acts. Who knows where that penis has been?

Some people try to limit the risk by not letting a partner ejaculate in their mouth, but that can be difficult to control, and you may still be exposed to unclean skin and pre-ejaculatory fluids. If someone has ejaculated in your mouth, it may be relatively safe to swallow, since the acidic juices in your stomach should kill HIV and most bacteria, but spitting out is probably the safer course. It might help to gargle with an antiseptic mouthwash immediately after giving a blowjob, though the practice hasn’t been studied.

If you use a condom during oral sex, you may prefer one that is unlubricated, or one that is flavored. Though you asked about a blowjob, most of the risks described above also apply to cunnilingus. You can use a dental dam, which is a sheet of latex that you lay across the woman’s clitoris, vulva, and vaginal opening.

Returning to your original question, I suspect that condoms are not widely used for oral sex. A condom changes the experience of oral sex, though perhaps more for the one giving the blowjob than the recipient. Some people make it a rule to always use a condom themselves or on their partners, but others make an exception for oral sex. Condoms are almost never worn for oral sex in pornographic movies, but that’s probably not a good place to turn for guidance. Sex workers protect their health (and their clients) by using a condom regardless of the act.

The bottom line: The risks are lower than with unprotected vaginal or anal intercourse. You need to consider what level of risk, if any, is acceptable to you.

[You can e-mail your questions about sex, sexuality, and sexual relationships to me at flexuality@hotmail.com, or post a question anonymously as a comment. The answers I post are for informational purposes only and do not constitute individual treatment.]

A: Your experiences do not define your sexual orientation. Even if you had a pleasurable gay experience as an adult, you could still be straight. Your orientation is defined by what you desire and enjoy, not by what happens to you. This is especially true of children, who may engage in sexual play out of natural curiosity or because an older person involves them in sexual activities that they are too young to understand. Unfortunately, these experiences can lead children, as they grow up, to feel ashamed and to question their sexuality. You may have reason to feel horrified if you were taken advantage of by someone more experienced, but there is no need to feel ashamed of youthful sexual experimentation, which is quite common. If you are currently only interested in the opposite sex, then you are straight. If you have some sexual interest in the same sex as well, that’s nothing to be ashamed about either.

[This is a new series, answering your questions about sex, sexuality, and sexual relationships. You can e-mail your questions to me at flexuality@hotmail.com, or post a question anonymously as a comment. The answers I post are for informational purposes only and do not constitute individual treatment.]

After a few drinks, the conversation turned to sex, and Brad did what he does best, showing off some bit of knowledge and putting us on the defensive. He had taken a course on human sexuality to satisfy his college science requirement. “And did you know,” he said, leaning forward over his beer, “That one out of every three men has had sex with another man?” He looked Jason in the eye. “That means, statistically speaking, one of us right here has fucked around with a guy.”

We were all silent for a moment, holding tightly onto our Buds. What a conversation stopper.

Jason was the straightest guy I knew, always bragging about screwing some girl, though he never held onto them for long. And Brad had dated the same girl since high school. We were always stumbling on the two of them having sex behind a tree or in a closet. You could say he was twisted, but he sure as hell wasn’t gay.

“So boys, which one of us has done it?” Brad continued, safe from scrutiny and not letting us off the hook.

I started to sweat.

These guys were my best friends, but I had never told them about the time I fooled around with a frat mate in sophomore year. We got drunk after soccer practice and ended up showering together back at the house, when no one else was around. It started with touching and teasing, and then we ended up in his bed, giving each other head. It never happened again, but I knew I’d do it again with a guy if I had the opportunity. For a couple weeks afterwards I even worried that I might be gay, which was stupid, because I’ve always liked girls and planned to get married.

Could Brad and Jason see that I was the one? I leaned back to take another drink and banged my head against the wind chimes hanging from the rafters of the porch, spilling beer across my chin. I blushed and looked away.

“Don’t be an ass,” Jason said. “None of us is gay.” He looked at me and back at Brad. “And nobody here has fucked a guy. You’ve got a sick mind, man.”

At one extreme, you may be married and have always considered yourself straight, but you have begun to realize that you are also attracted to, and perhaps prefer, members of the same sex. You may identify yourself as “really” gay or lesbian, rather than bisexual, perhaps because only that would justify coming out of the closet and making a major change in lifestyle. On the other hand, as you complete your transition from one identity to another, you may preserve a sense of sexual flexibility, and this seems to be the more common pattern among women.

You may also transition in the other direction. Your earliest romantic experience may have been with someone of the same gender, but you have come to realize that you are also attracted to the opposite sex. Since heterosexual relationships are more socially acceptable, you may decide that you went through a phase and are “really straight.” A woman in this situation may jokingly refer to herself as a “has-bian.” The term “ex-gay” is also used, though generally only by those who have sought church-based therapy that is hostile to homosexual expression.

In some macho or tribal societies, a man’s sexual identity and role may change in young adulthood when he grows a beard and gets married, at which point he switches from being homosexually receptive to become a bisexual “top.” In the West, the phrase, “today’s trade is tomorrow’s trick,” refers to another, perhaps apocryphal, sort of transition, when bisexual hustlers grow up to become homosexual customers (the implication being that they also switch from being tops to bottoms).

Friends have always found ways to explore each other without advice from others. But many also feel guilty or confused or miss opportunities because they have not considered their options. You may find yourself looking back with regret at the times when a friend gave you an opening and you were too surprised, nervous, or inexperienced to take advantage. In that spirit, I list some of the common ways in which young men and women create opportunities for mutual sexual discovery. If you find yourself in one of these situations, you will be better prepared to steer the encounter in a more interesting direction.

“Truth or dare” is a time-tested game which gives players permission to reveal secrets or engage in shocking behavior. For the game to work, the one posing the challenge must pretend to be intent on embarrassing the one who is commanded, who in turn must pretend to resist. In fact, each player takes turns exploring the others’ limits while projecting and pursuing their own desires. “Spin the bottle” and “strip poker” create similar opportunities in the guise of punishment. Young men and women play each of these games together, and the excitement of mixing sexes is part of the fun.

Young men are fascinated by their new-found ability to get an erection, and they want to share this discovery with their friends. Many teenagers have joined a “circle jerk” at some point in their younger years, where they compare the sizes of their erections, the speed with which they reach orgasm, or the trajectory of their ejaculations. Hazing rituals in fraternities may involve similarly juvenile, sexualized acts, such as being confined naked in close quarters with other pledges. After a few drinks, “straight” guys may find themselves patting each other on the butt, working out naked, or unzipping their pants and comparing genitals. Once that boundary has been crossed, and sexual excitement has been demonstrated, another dare, question, or casual gesture can lead to frank sexual exploration, even if the fun is “forgotten” in the next morning’s hangover.

Young women similarly compare the size and shape of their breasts and practice kissing with each other, which can lead to making out. Women can hold an x-rated version of a Tupperware party, where they compare and purchase sex toys. Groups of women also sometimes find themselves discussing the elusive G-spot and may assist each other in finding that sensitive portion of their vagina which is so poorly explained in books. What starts as innocent exploration of their bodies may turn into sexual play. After all, why wait for a man if a more knowledgeable woman can help you practice and attain the orgasm of a lifetime?

Sleepovers are a particularly good setting for sexual exploration. Women are more comfortable with physical intimacy to begin with and may share a bed or cuddle, and that may be satisfying enough or lead to something more. Men often wake in the middle of the night to find that they have an erection, which, though involuntary, may serve as an excuse for sexual teasing, touching, or making out. Camping trips, snow storms, movie or computer game marathons, late-night studying, or being too drunk to drive home may all serve as excuses for spending the night together, sharing a bed, and getting to know each other better.

Even if your partner understands that sexual attractions to both sexes are common, he or she will consider your declaration a sign that your interests are on-going and something you want to explore rather than suppress. (And shouldn’t people in relationships suppress their interests in others, regardless of gender?) Many people also view homosexuality and bisexuality as inherently promiscuous conditions, the latter almost by its nature implying something other than a monogamous life. But perhaps a relationship is strengthened and enriched by honest discussion and more seriously threatened by concealed history and on-going fantasy.

“The thing is,” Tad said, “I had this experience last year with Bobby. We were at Jessica’s party, and when I went to pee, he sort of pushed his way into the bathroom behind me. He said he couldn’t wait, unzipped, and started pissing into the bowl while I was using it. I didn’t mind, but then he started playing around, crossing the streams and moaning like it was something sexual. We’d had a lot of beer, so this went on for a while, and I noticed his dick was getting bigger. After he shook it off, he pushed his underwear down and asked me to suck him off.”

Tad paused, like he was waiting for my reaction.

“So did you?”

“No, of course not.” He flashed an annoyed look. “He wasn’t kidding either. He was getting really hard. I told him he was drunk and got out of there fast.” Tad looked up at me. “Do I look like I’m gay, or something?”

I reached into the fridge, popped open another can of beer, and handed it to him. We were standing just a foot or two apart. “I don’t think gay is a way you look.”

He looked annoyed again, shifting back and forth and clenching his teeth in what could have been a smile or a frown. Finally he asked me, “What would you have done?”

I held his gaze and thought about my answer. “Well, I don’t like Bobby very much.”

He held out the beer and smiled. “So you might have, if it was somebody else?”

I let my fingers brush against his as I took the beer back and had a cold swig, looking into his eyes the whole time. “I’d give it a try, with the right person.”